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6-17-2010 @ 6:18AM
This is just making me picture the deal that King Ymiron made with the Lich King.(Knocking at the Great Door to the throne room of Utgarde Pinnacle)King Ymiron: What the Gjale - (opens the door, sees the Lich King and Kelthuzad) - who let these runts in?Svala Sorrowgrave: You.Skadi the Ruthless: You opened the door man, slam it in their face or hear 'em.Ingvar the Plunderer: I hear knocking!Skadi: (breaks wind) You hear that?King Ymiron: Shut up all of you! Little ones, you are bold to come up to my home and challenge me! But we're not your parents! We don't owe you a thing! Not a longboat, not a handout! And if you're selling something, we're not interested! Leave!(Kelthuzad begins to whisper in the Lich King's ear, but is cut off, with the words "told you to bring the saronite elevator boots" audible) Lich King: Greetings, your highness. Are you afraid of death?(Rips out his sword) King Ymiron: RUALG NJA GABORR! Your death is only -Lich King: We're already dead.King Ymiron: -the ... what? How can you stand before me?Svala: How can one kill that which does not live?(Skadi whispers: Tuesday maintenance.)Lich King: That's exactly what I've come to sell. You're a big bad mountain of a Vrykul, your highness, not afraid of the hard grip of death ...(Sadness creeps across Ymiron's face) King Ymiron: Like mountain ... to be big ... to be hard.Lich King: Hard?Svala: Pshh, he's got issues, but not of death. All these Vrykul do. Take it from me.(Skadi raises his head and glares silently. Ingvar lowers his head and mopes, silently crying. King Ymiron continues to stare skyward).Kelthuzad: Uh, issues?King Ymiron: All these years, becoming smaller, softer, less of a Vrykul. Cursed! Curse of flesh! Curse of tiny, flabby flesh! I want to be big and hard again! Like an iron rod!!!(The Lich King and Kelthuzad do their hardest to choke on their laughter)King Ymiron: IS IT FUNNY?Lich King: (starts coughing) Dude, you got to do something about the hay in the chamber here, it's getting to our allergies (Kelthuzad imitates the Lich King's hacking as well). That, some Beano and some deodorant. But I can promise you an increased vitality ... never age a day and get your energy back ... with undeath!King Ymiron: Undeath?Kelthuzad: Undeath! Lich King: Make you live long time. You'll have the stamina of a 100 men and the rockhard steadiness of rigor mortis, without the creaking! You'll have all the time in the world to polish your longboat, your highness! And Skadi, you can thrust your harpoon and ride the huffin and puffin dragon with ease!King Ymiron and Skadi together: Mmm ...Svala: And what will I get from this ... undeath?Lich King: (lowers his voice, adds some style into his words): A kicking pair of boots and wings to match, for starters ... I've got a private selection for the ladies ...(Svala purrs)Ingvar (shouting): Will undeath make me smart?(The Lich King looks at Kelthuzad, who gives a negative look with his eyes)Lich King: (slyly) We'll get back to you on that.King Ymiron: I WANT UNDEATH! I WILL BUY! WHERE DO I SIGN?(Kelthuzad brings the paperwork - actually, a tortured ethereal - out of the aether. The documents are signed in blood, giving the Lich King the services and unquestioning support of King Ymiron, his properties and servants in exchange for eternal ... unlife.)(Hurried footsteps) Vrykul lackey: My king, there's small people down below, building a village near our forest!Lich King: Just on time, those Alliance dogs. Ymiron, your first task is to slaughter those insects. Don't dawdle. Storm them with dragons, dogs, and men before they dream of building a dancing gnome rogue bar and a Draenei hashish dealership, and I will reward you with a raid-level for -Kelthuzad: (Scanning the new recruits, then mumbles at the Lich King) I forsee that won't be the case.Lich King: (whispering) Powers that be?Kelthuzad: (whispers back) Honestly, they suck ... and the Blizzard can't do everything.King Ymiron: WHAT? NO RAID-LEVEL FORTRESS? I DESERVE ...Kelthuzad: Um, your highness, F-Y-I, Loken, that Titan you really didn't like, doesn't have a raid-level fortress either. He also didn't take our package.King Ymiron: No fortress. But Loken can die?Lich King: Yes, he can. But one thing at a time. We're on a tight schedule here folks. But for being such a good group of customers, here's consolation, a gift to you for purchasing at this time: this necromancer, these geists, a couple of these Patchwerk clones and this elf vampire guy we picked up, let them shack downstairs, they're yours to command from this post.Svala: (gasping at Kelseth) My, what big ... teeth ... you have!Ingvar: I like this Prince Bigteeth! Can he chew my food?Prince Kelseth (hisses to the Lich King): What did I do to deserve ...Lich King: That's all for now. We'll check in on you in a few years. (whispers to Svala, making a phone symbol with his hands and winking) Call me up anytime.
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