Filed under: Drama Mamas

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

About once a year, we publish the results of our advice, as told to us by the original letter writers. This year, we have too much for one week, so you'll get the first part this week and the rest in two weeks. If we've answered your letter and you haven't written in to tell us what happened, please send an email to robin@wowinsider.com.

Last March, The Other Woman told us about a love triangle in which she was embroiled. She responded soon after with painful but positive results:

Dear Drama Mamas,

I just wanted to give a huge thank you to you and others who commented on my post. I *was* the Other Woman in the volatale love triangle. I decided to cut all ties with him, explaining that even if he left his fiance it was possible it would have never worked out between the two of us. I explained even if he left her as others said, 'a relationship built on cheating' was a bad place to start, and we should take some time apart until we know what we really want.

What is your guild all about? Many guilds are fairly easily described by their schedules and raid progressions (or their lack of either). More likely, though, the essence of your group -- the part that gives it its flavor and makes it stand apart from other guilds -- is somewhat trickier to describe. "Social," "casual," "raiding" ...These terms pretty much describe most guilds.

Even terms that seem fairly self-explanatory at first glance can be problematic for players trying to evaluate a potential fit. "We're a dedicated roleplaying guild." OK, so what's the spin? One RP guild might maintain a military structure and campaign, while another plays out some very adult-themed interpersonal dramas -- definitely not interchangeable concepts!

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

We are still compiling our results edition, so if your letter was answered and you'd like to tell us what happened, please send an email to robin@wowinsider.com. In the meantime, let's talk about loot rules.

Dear Drama Mamas,

A few months ago I joined a guild so I could finally have some people to talk to (I tend to go alone for a long time until I see a guild that interests me) and to have the chance to raid. As I play a healer I was immediately accepted in the raid team and, although we're not even done with normal progress in the Mogu'shan Vaults, we've done relatively well. Some of the people in the guild are pretty nice and I like to be around and play with them, but there is one problem little that's been bothering me for a few weeks now: loot drama.

Our loot rules are simple: if you can use it for main spec, roll for it. Everyone seems to love that system, except for me. I prefer systems like EPGP or something similar because, in my opinion, when you're raiding with your guild you should be rewarded for commitment and not just luck (that opinion might or might not have something to do with my terrible luck... >.>).

There's so much more to joining a guild in World of Warcraft than clicking an uninvited newbie zone popup or replying to a random whisper while you're trying to quest. We wouldn't go so far as to say there's a science to getting it right; joining a guild is more of an art, an intersection of careful screening and social serendipity. While it's true that you can successfully fumble about in the relatively unpopulated leveling zones or run the dungeon and raid finders on your own, you'll enjoy a richer, more complete game experience if you play with other players as intended.

This guide is not about figuring out what type of guild might best suit you. (We've cover that in a future guide.) If you're unguilded or dissatisfied with your current guild but not quite sure how to describe the kind of group that would make your online gaming experience feel just right, consider this week's pointers as food for thought until we can analyze your own guild needs.

If you're ready to find a new guild right now, read on for the best ways to connect with a quality organization.

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

Results! We want them! If you've written in to us and we've answered you, please send us an email letting us know what happened. We already have a few responses, but we'd like to collect a few more to fill up the next Drama Mama: Results Edition ... coming soon.

On to this week's letter:

I'm writing as a "preemptive strike". Like a good boy scout (err... girl who would be a good boy scout if she was a boy), I want to be prepared.

This would be excellent material for a Soap Opera or a Greek Tragedy, so grab some popcorn and enjoy.

I run a fairly big raiding guild (about 30 active raiders). Many of us are very close, and a few of us have hung out in real life. We know a lot about each others' lives and we laugh, cry and celebrate when life events occur.

Now to the fun part. Two of my officers (We'll call them "Ross and "Rachel") are married to each other. Ross is a raid leader. They have an open marriage (I don't judge and neither should anyone reading this). They're happy and comfortable in their marriage so as long as they're happy, I'm happy. I consider myself very close friends with this couple.

A poorly executed /guildquit is the kind of toxic drama bomb that can poison your online game experience forever. Even if you're fleeing drama, guild chaos, or interpersonal strife, wrecking shop on the way out the door does more harm than good. You may never want to play with or hear from those people again -- but chances are, you'll cross paths at some point in a group, another guild, a chat channel, or a forum.

Is moving on the right thing to do? Every situation is different, but if you find yourself even considering whether or not the grass might be greener in another pasture, it's time to take a good, hard look at what you want from your WoW play versus what you're actually getting. "This is your leisure time," notes Drama Mama Robin. "If your stress-relieving activity is doing the opposite, you need to make a change." And if you're sticking around based on trying to change someone else's behavior or hoping it changes on its own, she notes, you're wasting your own time. The only person you can control is yourself.

Leaving a guild is not the right solution if:

• You're doing it to teach someone a lesson or to make things difficult for someone in the guild. Smarter solution: Realize that you're not the arbiter of other people's behavior, and move on.
• You're doing it to direct attention to yourself or your views. Smarter solution: Get involved in guild life and business through normal channels.
• You don't actually want to leave. Don't be one of those drama llamas who /guildquit at every perceived slight and then expect to be welcomed back to the fold with warmth and open arms. Don't leave a guild if what you're really hoping is to elicit someone to beg you to come back. Leaving a guild is about moving on to something new. If you need to move on, move on. Smarter solution: Resolve your personal or guild issues through normal channels.

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

Life is a continual learning experience. For example, I learned something from Lisa's advice this week. Hopefully this week's letter writer will too.

Hello Drama Mamas,

This doesn't qualify as drama, but I think it still fits into your category.

See I'm having trouble right now balancing WoW and College.

When I first started playing WoW I was a junior in college, who was no stranger to academic problems, but was making slow if steady progress to graduation. Enter WoW. I got expelled a year later, over poor grades.

Many of the letters the Drama Mamas receive are from players who don't actually have a problem they need or want to solve; they're simply seeking support and permission to move on. Boy, is it tough to let go! People naturally feel trepidation about leaving a known environment, even when it's the very thing making them unhappy. We cling to the familiar, losing sight of the fact that if we change nothing, nothing changes.

Sometimes, though, the best thing to do is to calmly pick up, dust off, and move on. While the columns we've linked below don't necessarily represent times the Drama Mamas thought moving on was the best or only solution, they do illustrate the tangle of denial many players find themselves in over circumstances that are right there in black and white.

You know it's time to move on when ...

1. Your guild condones or even promotes public drama.
2. Your guild has no firm rules.
3. You're expending emotional energy to tolerate an atmosphere that doesn't fit what you want from a guild.
4. You've made it a rule to refuse to group or speak with a guildmate who plays with you frequently.
5. You don't actually play with the people in your guild -- and you're lonely.

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

Mobs and justice don't tend to mix.

Drama Mamas,

I joined a new guild, and everything was great. People were happy and talkative, they were doing things together, and the guild leader had made it clear people could approach him if they had a problem with his leadership and he would step down if they thought someone would be better.

This lasted all of about 2 days after I joined. I came home and was immediately pulled into a conversation where I was told the leader was sexually harassing female members, sending them creepy messages and making them feel unsafe. This was serious, and the first thing I asked was did anyone bring this to him. I got a vague 'he was told' and no more information, so I accepted what they were telling me. They initiated a public vote on the forums to have him removed from the guild, after telling everyone unaware about it (before giving them a chance to hear the leader's side) and expected us to vote based on that.

More than a few readers have wondered if the Drama Mamas ever make up reader letters in order to make a point. Let me be perfectly clear: We do not. The letters you see here represent genuine emails received from readers, usually within the past month or two, sent directly to the Drama Mamas.

This fact leads directly to another rather incredulous question: "Can there really be that many people out there having trouble with this particular issue?" Almost without fail, the answer is yes. In the case of this week's topic -- the social implications of being a transgender player in an online environment -- there are enough players struggling that even though we addressed the issue just two years ago, players continue to write in.

Here to answer two recent letters about coping with transgender issues is guest Drama Mama Rachel Gold, who you may have met just a few days ago in an interview here at WoW Insider. Rachel is the author of Being Emily, a young adult novel about a teen struggling to work her way through the implications of becoming a young woman after being born in the body of a male.

First, our reader letters:

Hey , I've been a role player since wow began , along the way I've met up and became good friends with a lot of people but over the few years I've been having gender reassignment therapy and now surgery, I've not been able to vent and Skype with my guild for ages and now I can't raid , I'm now asking for help with my drama. -- Melissa

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

Harassment comes in many forms. Sometimes it's a one-off, like last week's letter. The bullying was ongoing, but by different people in discrete incidents. Harassment can also be felt from generalized statements made to the public, such as racial remarks in trade chat. But this week, we talk about ongoing harassment or stalking. The actions we say to take are not for someone who was being harassed, but the stalker stopped. Nor are they for someone who just doesn't want to ever hear from another player, but nothing offensive has actually happened.

Stalking = ongoing harassment = a serious problem. This week, we tackle the issue by offering some advice to help reduce -- and hopefully eliminate -- this very harmful drama.

Mishandled humor is one thing. But stereotyping, disdain, and bullying? The WoW community has no room for players who've made those a part of their rotation.

Dear Drama Mamas,

Starting things off; I'm a Moonguard player. Hear that sound? I know you do, because the mere word Moonguard invokes it in so many players now; words like "obscene" or "immature" or "inappropriate" jump to mind. And it drives me absolutely crazy.

Let's get the obvious out of the way; Moonguard has a bad reputation because of Goldshire. And Silvermoon City. Okay, fine, yes, we get the point. But every single time I get into a group, every single time I enter a Battleground, or an Arena, the moment I even say anything (or sometimes when I haven't said anything yet), it begins. The more polite chuckleheads spew it into the public chat, every possible Moonguard joke and comment they can think of, and a couple of personal attacks against anyone who would dare to touch the place with a ten foot pole.

The less polite ones start whispering, telling you to get out of the group, or to disconnect, to stop being a child or stop being a freak of nature. Heaven help you if ANYONE in that dungeon group turns out to be bad, because it can and will get blamed on you. If your team ends up down 0/2 and you mention it's because so-and-so is dancing on the roof not attacking or defending, you could be in the enemy flag room, with the flag, having downed half of the other team solo, and it's your fault because you're a filthy Moonguard player (this is also about the time you get the wonderful suggestion that you should kill yourself).

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

Sex.

Hello Ladies,

I am not sure if you can publish this as it's very adult themed but I am hoping you can because I really need your help! I honestly believe that if I was a man, this wouldn't even be an issue but for now this is really pulling me down.

About three months before the new expansion, I came back to WoW and joined what I thought was an awesome guild. I've been through my probation and for the most part it's been great fun.

The thing with this guild though is that it's very... sexually charged. Most threads get hijacked by something sexual and they even have a NSFW section that is filled with more naked photos than all the men's magazines combined. Even new members are greeted by sexual questions in their application thread. How you response to these questions seems to almost dictates how the guild will receive you.

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

All About Eve: delicious drama, delicious acting, delicious writing. Do watch. This week's letter has not-so-delicious drama. Do read.

Dear Drama Mamas,

I met a person that I instantly hit it off with roughly 5 years ago. We became best friends almost overnight. She played DPS and I played a healer. We ran dungeons nightly together and formed a raid team where I was the main healer. We chewed glass weekly and the people in the raid were all awesome. We joked around, didn't get upset over wipes, and were generally stress-free; for a time, it was good.

Then there was the heroic ZG run.

I will never forget that night. It was my friend, myself, and an officer in the guild who I didn't know very well but was told was a cool guy. The tank was pugged. The tank had been a jerk to me throughout the entire run and wiped us twice because he kept attacking CCd targets then blaming it on me being a 'baddie'. So, I refused to heal him anymore. He could either leave the group, or we were kicking him in 10 minutes when the cooldown was up.

When the fear factor of an MMO revolves more around social hits from fellow players than it does physical hits from monsters, you know something's out of whack. After reading this week's letter, I certainly felt like whacking something -- namely, the ugly atmosphere that makes grouping a hellish prospect for anyone who's been dragged through the dirt one too many times.

Dear Drama Mamas,

I've been playing this game for three or four years now (I'm still a teen, though) and I really wanted to ask you about something.

About two years ago, I first started raiding. I continued going to the pug many times, always with the same raid leader. (Let's call him R.) I started talking in vent with him and his guild, and raided with them quite a lot. I was really sheepish at first because: 1. I was a kid, 2. I'm afraid of social interaction, and 3. I'm a girl. Everything went fine though, for several months.

It was when R needed to go off to work, and couldn't lead the raids anymore when things got bad. I wasn't in his guild, but he felt that I could be trusted enough to be the raid leader. He passed it over to me, handed over his group macros for recruting, and told people I would be leading. He also put two people with me to be my raid assists. (Let's call them Andni and Pir. These are not their actual names.)

I would always start of the raid slightly paniced, but by the end I was joking around with everyone and having a good time. But during one Black Temple run, everything went bad.