Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Sap-Encrusted Legplates

by Matthew Rossi Sep 21st 2012 at 7:00PM

Phat Loot PhridayL SapEncrusted Legplates

"Dear Throgg... dear lord this looks like it was written by a goblin with a broken hand being used as a pen by a drunken ogre."

"Uncle Grumpy wrote me?" Throgg peered at the letter. "He did! You should read it to me."

Lolegolas stared piercingly at the disconcertingly chipper orc. "I know you can read this."

"Reading isn't my thing."

"That's fine, writing clearly wasn't your uncle's thing. What language is this even in? Lok'tar thaal'kit sha'suun anariel... is that trollish and goblin in the same sentence?"

"Oh, it's in warriorese. Uncle doesn't really remember how to speak anything else. Took too many blows to the head. Just skip down to the bottom, it'll get to the point there." Throgg ignored the ever increasing piercing quality of the stare Lolegolas was leveling on him.

"All right then... let's see if I can find anything like words in this thing... Me go to big bear land. Boat sink. Me walk on bottom of water. Lots of bears. Many beers with bears. Go to Yak house, help yak kill bugs. Get pants. Good pants. Me draw picture of pants. You need get good pants. Are you warmly dress in pants? Pants useful. You come here, to bear land, and we drink beers with bears and get pants. Pants covered in tree goo, makes them strong." The blood elf blinked several times. Had he actually said that out loud? Had anyone else heard him say that out loud?

"You know what this means!?"

"That your uncle is legally dead?"

"No, that my friend Stinky. This means we're going on an adventure!" Throgg leapt to his axe cupboard, immediately pulling out various axes and tossing them over his shoulder. "What axe goes best with new pants?"

Item Notes: They're tanking pants, they drop in the siege of Niuzao Temple, and they are indeed encrusted with sap. Despite this, they vendor for 24 gold 16 silver 40 copper.

Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing mikeg@wowinsider.com.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday, Mists of Pandaria

Phat Loot Phriday: Wind Rider Cub

by Michael Gray Sep 14th 2012 at 5:00PM

Soot growled as Lolegolas's Wind Rider Cub took a bite out of the Netherwhelp. The young wind rider pinned the dragonkin to the ground. For all the world, the cub looked like it was smiling.

"Look, I'm not trying to be obnoxious," the blood elf said mildly. "But I've been running with this cub for as long as I've existed in this... uh..."

"Story!" Miranda shouted helpfully. "Don't say column, it annoys people who follow continuity."

"... uh, story," Lolegolas finished. "Did you really think you were going to get in a pet fight with Throgg? I'm a hunter. It's built into my character.

Throgg finished smashing Miranda free from her cage, shaking his head in annoyance. "Didn't even get to fight. It's a sad world when an orc can't axe the bad guy."

Soot sighed as he sat on the ground. "I guess the Throgg Days of Summer are finally over."

"Really?" Miranda asked mildly. "That's how we're leaving this? With a bad pun?"

"Back to basics," Throgg said. "That's the new plan. Just the basics. Jokes and isolated stories. Think it'll work?"

"It'd take a miracle," Miranda answered.

"Hey," Throgg said suddenly. "Has anyone seen my dog?"

Item Notes: It's true! Lolegolas's first appearance was with a wind rider cub waaaay back when. Since this is one of the last PLP's before the expansion, I wanted to wrap up this somewhat meandering story with a shout out to the beginnings. Let the pandamonium begin!

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Horde Ballooon

by Michael Gray Aug 31st 2012 at 2:00PM

When we last left our heroes, the plot was finally moving forward again, thanks to your narrator's sudden obsession with pet battles. I mean, seriously, have you tried them out yet? OMG, awesome.

Lolegolas and Throgg rode from the gym in a cloud of dust and machismo. Like a pair of gods carved from solid stone, their rippling muscles and perfect definition would be the envy of any underwear model. Would be. The effect was ruined by a dainty red balloon drifting behind Throgg.

"I'm not clear on how the balloon is going to defeat our enemy," Lolegolas said.

"Won't. Balloon can't fight," Throgg growled. "Tired of pets. I want to hit him with my axe."

"That's a shame when you think about it. Orgrimmar's Fighting Balloons would be a hell of a team. It would certainly be better than Osh-Kosh Garrosh."

Throgg spared the blood elf a dry look. "Balloon doesn't fight. This is just for show. I'm going to hit the bad guy with my axe and rescue Miranda."

"Imagine if the balloon could cast spells," Lolegolas said. "Heal-ium, for example."

"Do you mind?" Throgg asked. "Trying to look imposing here."

Item note: Horde Balloon doesn't fight. Which, c'mon, Blizzard -- that'd be awesome! Fighting balloons. And since the Horde and Alliance can each get their balloons in a simple quest, that would be amazing. Am I the only one who thinks fighting balloons are awesome?

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Rabbit

by Michael Gray Aug 24th 2012 at 8:00PM

Throgg leaned back against the pet gymnasium wall, chewing on a piece of straw while he watched Lolegolas. For his part, the blood elf did not look amused.

"What will you be fighting with today?" the old man asked Lolegolas. The gym trainer had long, flowing white hair and a slightly stoned look. Lolegolas had ultimately decided it was best not to ask about what the trainer used in his pipe.

"A fierce creature from the very depths of Stormwind," Lolegolas said. "A Rabbit."

The old man blinked.

"It has very pointy teeth, man," Lolegolas said. "It's mean."

"If you are going to rescue your friend Miranda," the trainer answered, "you will need to skillfully command your ... rabbit."

"Bun Morogh, I summon you!" Lolegolas shouted. The bunny appeared on the floor, twitching its nose disdainfully.

"Really?" the old man finally asked. "A bunny?"

"It's fierce if you rile it," Lolegolas commented weakly.

Pet notes: Seriously, man. Between Burrow, Adrenaline Rush, and Stampede, the Rabbit's got moves like Jagger. Give it a try before you scoff at the fuzzy herald of doom.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Pet Bombling

by Michael Gray Aug 17th 2012 at 5:00PM

Throgg growled at the human. "Where is the girl, human? Where is she?"

"Ha!" the soldier cackled, throwing his cape back over his shoulder. "I am Soot Dartsum of the Imperial Navy! I will not be cowed by the likes of an ogre."

"Orc," Lolegolas quietly pointed out. "Throgg's an orc. You can tell by the green skin. It's a dead giveaway."

"Quiet, fool!" the man said. He reached into his bag and hurled a large, black ball on the ground.

"Throgg, get down!" Lolegolas yelled. "It's a bomb!"

The human veritably clapped his hands with glee when the bomb grew a pair of legs. "No! It's my Pet Bombling, and it will lay waste on your foolish team."

The aforementioned orc cocked his head slightly to the side. "I'm sorry. Can you run that by me again?"

"That's how we fight here," Soot explained. "With pets. It's much more civilized than bashing on one another with axes."

"Oh," Throgg muttered. "I kind of like hitting people with axes. It's kind of my thing."

"So, you don't know how to fight wit pets?" the man asked. "That's going to be awkward. Look, there's a school right down the hill. Why don't you trot down and get a quick lesson? I'll wait here."

Item note: Pet Bombling can be picked up at the auction house fairly easily. It's a mechanical type pet.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Amber Flammard of Klaxxi'vess

by Michael Gray Aug 3rd 2012 at 8:00PM

"You're joking," Lolegolas insisted. "There's no such thing as a flammard."

Throgg waved the Amber Flammard of Klaxxi'vess around in the air, making vague buzzing sounds as he did so. "Is, too! It's a noble weapon! The weapon of an orc!"

"Flammard? Really? A flammard's a thing?"

"It's a flame-based sword, that's all," Throgg insisted.

"So this bursts into flame? Doesn't that seem more like a Firelands thing than a panda thing?"

"Not literally flames," Throgg replied. "Just, like, wavy. This one's a reputation reward from the Klaxxi."

"So, it's not just a clever name. I guess it's looks curved and wavy. Kind of," the blood elf acknowledged.

"It's totally curved. I haven't seen curves like this since your m..."

"Shut up!" Lolegolas quickly yelled. "Dorothy Goldenhair was a saint!"

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday, Mists of Pandaria

Phat Loot Phriday: Reins of the Crimson Pandaren Phoenix

by Michael Gray Jul 13th 2012 at 1:00PM

Lolegolas jumped at the squawking that suddenly erupted behind him. It sounded like someone strangling a moonkin. "What the heck?" the blood elf asked.

"This is my new phoenix," Throgg said, straddling an immense bird. "It's a Crimson Pandaren Phoenix."

"That doesn't look like a pandaren," Lolegolas countered. "In fact, I don't think there's anything terribly panda-like about it."

"It's just a name, little elf," the orc said. "Like hot dogs. There's nothing dog-like about hot dogs."

"Maybe it's just named that," Lolegolas said, "since, like, it's pandaren-raised or something. Still, that's a darn fine-looking mount."

"It's already killed a cyclops and a wolverine, too," Throgg said. "It was pretty amazing to watch."

Lolegolas cocked his head to the side and peered at the orc out of the corner of his eye. "Really? That's where we're going with this?"

"Well, it's supposed to be all crimson and red, but instead it's black and evil-looking. Seemed appropriate."

Lolegolas nodded. "Fair enough, then."

Item note: It's been a Challenge Mode reward, and now it seems like everyone on the beta has it. While the details of the mount could obviously change, it sure looks snazzy!

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Lucky Quilen Cub

by Michael Gray Jul 6th 2012 at 5:00PM

Wandering through the isles of Pandaria, Throgg and Lolegolas are making a slow but inevitable trip toward Miranda. But for now, we'll enjoy some shock, awww, and general fun with their journey.

The druid jogged down the hill to catch up with the dyanamic duo. He stopped short when he saw the diminutive creature walking beside them. It looked like a pug or maybe a chihuahua, except for the rich mane around its head.

"Wait. What is that ... thing?" the worgen asked.

"Collector's Edition pet," Lolegolas said nonchalantly. "Isn't it fabulous? I love it."

"Since you disappeared, Spot, we needed a new puppy," Throgg answered. "This guy seemed apt. It's a quilen pup."

"It needs a shave," the druid said. "It's got a fierce neckbeard going on. A few more days of growth, and it'll be ready for Reddit."

"What's Reddit?" Throgg asked.

"It's a place that really loves beards," the druid answered. "I think the dwarves invented it."

Somewhere in the distance, trapped within her cage, Miranda shrieked something about a fourth wall. That was just fine, since the boy would have ignored her anyway.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Helm of the Fire Festival

by Michael Gray Jun 22nd 2012 at 2:00PM

When last we left our heroes, Throgg and Lolegolas had just arrived in the pandaren training grounds. Throgg finally answered the question about his unique patois habits, which leads to the inevitable lunch episode.

"I'm hungry," Throgg complained. "I brought fish, though. You want fish?"

"I could go for a carp about now," Lolegolas replied. "Don't see any wood for a fire, though."

"Don't worry. I got this." Throgg opened his bag and pulled out a strange hat. It looked almost exactly like a saucepan. Without fanfare, he placed the contraption on his head and knelt to the ground. The hat burst into flame. "You can cook on my head."

"Care to repeat what you just said? 'You can cook on my head.' You realize that sounds somewhat crazy, even from you."

"It's a great invention. No more campfires -- we can just cook on each other's heads."

Lolegolas nodded in slow motion, the same way a warrior might look if a priest were trying to knife him to death. "You sure you want to try this?"

"Let's try it once and see how it pans out."

Item note: No, really, you can cook on it. We have more information about it here.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phiday: Flippable Table

by Michael Gray Jun 15th 2012 at 7:00PM

When last we left our heroes, Throgg and Lolegolas had just crossed the barrier between worlds to join the beta. We now resume with their quest to hunt down Miranda. Not Spot has not been seen for some time.

"This doesn't look right," Lolegolas said. He stood atop a hill, looking down at small groups of pandaren practicing their martial arts. "I think we missed our target a bit. We'll have to hoof it."

"Throgg angry still," the orc companion said.

Lolegolas sighed and opened his immense bag. He took out a table and unfolded an immaculate sheet to lay atop it. He placed a mug in the center before stepping back to get a better look at his work. He stroked his chin with a thumb while he regarded the table.

"One moment," Lolegolas commented. He bent over and plucked a red wildflower from the ground before resting it in the mug. "OK. Go ahead. Flip it."

Throgg took a deep breath, grasped the edge of the table, and hurled. The table flipped end over end, crashing down on the ground below them.

"Wow," Throgg said. "You're right. I feel so much better now. As if a weight has been lifted."

"Who knows his buddy? Who knows his orcky-poo? Now that we've dispensed with that table-flipping formality, let's move on, shall we?"

Item notes: We don't know the details about the Flippable Table, but it sure does sound exciting.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Very Manly Leggings

by Michael Gray Jun 1st 2012 at 9:00AM

When last we left our heroes, they began a journey to rescue Miranda. Packing their trusty Impa-- I mean, motorbike, they took off to break through the barrier between world. There are lots of spoilers here.

The crab wasn't playing fair. As the gatekeeper between worlds, the crab guarded the beach into the underworld, the dark mirror of Azeroth where all things were possible. Lolegolas was getting annoyed.

"Fine, then," the crab finally conceded. "I will let you pass through the murky depths into the underworld, where all things are tested, if you can succeed in one final challenge."

Lolegolas snorted. "We are ready! Present your test, my fine seafood."

The crab gestured with a shockingly well-manicured claw. From under the waters, a massive figure strolled toward the group. Lolegolas gasped at the size of the man. He was so muscled that even his biceps seemed to have biceps of his own.

"A wrestling match," the crab quipped. "It's a lot like being on the forums."

"Dunno if I can win this," Throgg said. "I'm not really feeling anger right now so much as ... vague disapproval."

"We'll just have to get you angry," the blood elf said.

"Not sure we can do that," the orc replied. "I'm mostly worried about Miranda."

"Firefly was cancelled to make room for Glen Beck!"

Throgg snarled a bit.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Black Pepper Steak and Shrimp

by Michael Gray May 25th 2012 at 7:00PM

When last we left our heroes, they were derailed by Diablo III. Because that certainly hasn't happened to anyone else. Unfortunately, their erstwhile trip to Sanctuary means Miranda remains in captivity.

"Your friends are taking a long time to mount a rescue," the shadowy man said. "I expected them by now."

"This is going to start feeling like filler," Miranda muttered to her raven. "I'm hungry. What've you got to eat?"

The man returned to Miranda's cage, sliding a bowl under the door. "I've made something very good for you. Black Pepper Steak and Shrimp."

"Black Pepper Steak? Really? We're going there? That's how this is going to be?"

"Black Pepper Steak is awfully good, young lady," the man said. "The amount of health and mana you gain from it is mindblowing compared to your feeble, contemporary food."

Miranda chewed slowly. "Wow, yeah, it really is, isn't it? So, why aren't you Pandaren? That seems like the most likely villain to advance the st... range events we've been suffering."

"I'm an old friend," the man answered. He pursed his lips for a moment. "I'm surprised you haven't escaped."

"How do you know I haven't? You could be looking at an illusion right now or a doppleganger. You have no way of knowing."

"Hm. That would explain why no rescue has appeared. If you'll pardon me, I need to check on things."

When the man had left, Miranda used to the chopsticks to continue picking the lock.

Item Notes: Pepper steak, y'all. So good. I've been craving it all week, now.

[Image credit: Stu Spivack]

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Simple Hand Crossbow

by Michael Gray May 18th 2012 at 1:00PM

When last we left our heroes, they'd hopped in a motorcycle to ride into the sunset -- and take a boat to Pandaria. However, they lack a map and live in a microcosm that represents the overall Blizzard community, so they cannot simply walk into Pandaria. Also, click click click click click click click click ...

"I didn't think Panda-land would be so dark," Throgg commented. His eyes narrowed beneath the ridged line of his immense brow. "I don't mean young person and black jeans dark. I mean like actually hard to see. Did we take the wrong boat?"

The pair walked along a curved, narrow path. Oddly, each side of the path was closed off with walls and vines. They couldn't travel far from the walkway. "Still can't get the bike started. We're hoofing it."

Throgg pursed his lips as he look around. Suddenly, he unlatched the enormous battle-axe from his back and shouted. "To arms! Undead ahead, and they're attacking!"

Lolegolas let loose a battle cry and reached for his bow. With a practiced growl, he grasped where it should have been and pulled out a Simple Hand Crossbow. The blood elf pulled up short immediately. "Wait, what in Metzen's name is this?"

The orc cocked his head to the side. "They make crossbows that small? When did you get that?"

"Is it just me, or do those undead look funny?" Lolegolas said.

"We're not in Pandaria," Throgg said. "We really need to go back the way we came."

Lolegolas sighed as he turned around, ignoring the undead behind them. "This is great. We're losing an entire week to this nonsense."

Throgg blinked as they returned to the boat. "Uh. Where's Spot?"

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Gilnean Raven

by Michael Gray Apr 27th 2012 at 3:00PM

When we last left our heroes, they were packing to go to Pandaria. While Throgg and Lolegolas shove their belongings into mysterious blue boxes and bags of questionable size, let's take a jump across the pond and check in on the missing member of the precarious party. She gets cross if I ignore her for too long.

Miranda pushed herself up on her elbows, peering around her spacious cage. She noticed immediately that the bamboo enclosure smelled fairly nice. If she was trapped in captivity, at least it was a relatively tidy captivity.

"Hello?" she asked. Her voice was dry and cracked; the words came out as a croak. "Is anyone there?"

"Good morning, Miranda," someone replied. "If it helps you relax, this isn't about you at all. You'll see I even have a gift for you. I wish you to be comfortable while you serve as bait."

The shrouded figure came nearer, kneeling to slide a small bird through the cage. Miranda tried to get a look at the man, but mist and smoke kept her from making out much beside his robe.

"That's a Gilnean Raven. It might turn out to be quite the fighter. I'm certain your druid will appreciate it. This raven is quite like a writing desk."

"What is this about, then?" Miranda asked. She reached out to the bird and was pleased when it jumped to her wrist immediately. "What's going?"

The shadowed man turned back to his reading. "It's an assignment, nothing personal. I will get Throgg very angry, and while he's in the middle of his Throgg-smash routine ... I will kill him."

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

Phat Loot Phriday: Warrior Tier 14: The Bladinating

by Michael Gray Apr 20th 2012 at 2:00PM

When last we left our heroes, they were discussing the finer points of beer and tea in an experimental post that didn't really work out well. Taking feedback (and several donkey punches to the gut from his editor) seriously, the narrator returns to the ongoing action -- which is to say, getting the dynamically delicious duo toward Pandaria. Just now, they're getting dressed, because this is Lolegolas we're talking about here.

"Stop me if you've heard this one before," Lolegolas said. "What in the name of Metzen's meticulously groomed beard are you wearing?"

Throgg froze in place, paused in the motion of removing his shoulder armor from its plastic hanger. (Lolegolas can't abide wire hangers.) "Uh. Armor? Like you wear in battle?"

"That thing looks like it's from the Gillette school of gearing," the blood elf said. "When in doubt, add more blades."

"It's awkward when I have to scratch," Throgg agreed. "Good for stopping people from ... punching me ... in the shoulder. I guess?"

Lolegolas grunted noncommittally. "What's it called?"

"Tier 14."

"That's it? Tier 14? That's the name that's meant to strike fear into the souls of beer demons?"

"You're being impatient," Throgg commented. "It has a name; I just don't know it yet. So I like to call it Mach 8. Because it has eight blades."

"We're really stuck on the razor analogy here, aren't we?" Lolegolas said.

"We've had enough close shaves already," Throgg replied. "Time to be a little more careful."

Item Note: This preview of Warrior tier 14 brought to us by those ingenious folks over at Wowhead. It's good to be back to the mo'-blades, mo'-betta school of gearing.

Filed under: Phat Loot Phriday

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